The First Post

I was responsible this morning.

I'm one of the most irresponsible people I know, but this morning I actually surprised myself. I don't have class until 2:30 this afternoon, but I woke up at eight o' clock anyway, despite falling asleep at 2 AM, so I could eat a good breakfast.

Good being a loose definition of the lukewarm biscuits with sausage gravy, the consistency of snot, that I ate this morning. Better than most college food, though, so I ate it.

I finished the reading I need to have done. Mostly the reading was in Job, one of my favorite books, so I took the opportunity to curl up in my bed and read it with the sunlight coming in around the dive flag beach towel my roommate uses as a curtain. Probably not the best lighting for my eyes, but I got the reading done anyway and enjoyed it. I even wrote a journal on it all, so I can turn that in for credit. I'll go ahead and drop it in here:

I’ve always thought of Job as one of the wildest books in the Bible. Every time I read God’s words to Job, his call to “Brace yourself like a man”, shivers run down my spine. The idea of God’s power is made so evident in that passage, like facing down a thunderstorm or riding a tornado. I can’t possibly imagine what Job was feeling. I’m impressed he managed to answer, even just to say he had no place to speak. I would have started digging to bury myself just to save God the effort of doing it for me.

This passage is comforting, though, despite the obvious terror Job must have felt once he realized whom he was questioning. There’s this reassurance I get when I read God’s words, the idea that there isn’t anything God has not seen or measured or designed without purpose, regardless of its seemingly mundane nature. Each time the eagle takes flight it is because the Lord has determined a time when the eagle should fly. How cool is that? Nothing horrible that happens to me happens without His express permission and therefore, nothing horrible that happens is actually horrible. Perhaps to me it will seem so, but I am only important in a cosmic sense because of the worth God has assigned me. Whatever horrible things happen, they will serve His purpose and will build me up or tear me down to be the right size to do the work He requires. Nothing God does is horrible; we only perceive it that way because we can’t possibly understand Him. The true horror lies in the idea of a God who isn’t in complete control, or a God who isn’t just.

I also paid off the balance on my account. I still don't understand the amount of money I spend every semester. It's just too large a number. I can wrap my mind around a grand, maybe, but when I spend anything more than that there's some kind of disconnect, like it's not even money anymore. It's just the means to an end. It doesn't represent everything I could buy with it other than my education, it just is my education. I had to go down to the office and pay it by check instead of online, like I wanted to originally, because the handling fee on the money was 112 dollars and that is definitely a number I can wrap my mind around. That's enough money to live off of for a semester, if you're smart and have a meal plan to take care of food.

Then I sent some e-mails that I probably wouldn't have sent any other day because I'm so disgustingly lazy. It's not like it requires effort to write two sentences asking crucial questions and then click "Send", but I still usually put it off in favor of reading, playing games or talking with friends. But I didn't this morning. One to my advisor, asking about the amount of hours necessary for an English major and if I can collect enough credits for one in 5 semesters, and the other to the kids working the Practical Service racket, because I missed the "mandatory" meeting last night. I have class from 7:00 to 9:45 with a psycho who will not allow the skipping of his class for any reason.

So yeah. Responsible.

I remember when I used to get those Pillars of Character awards in elementary school. Responsibility was one of the ones they handed out. I never got Responsibility. I got Caring. Every time. I think that if I really Cared though, I'd stop being a lazy bum and be Responsible.