Abba, Father, save me!

I pretended I was a dinosaur today. I pretended that I roamed the campus, eating anyone who got in my way and generally terrorizing both friends and enemies alike.

Not that I have enemies here, but I created some in my mind so that I could eat them.

Then I sat for two minutes holding an empty Nerf pistol against my forehead, pulling the plastic trigger again and again and again. I told my roommate that if the gun were real, I would have blown my brains out weeks ago. I was joking, but I had to convince my roommate that I was. I spoke the words convincingly, I guess.

I'm shutting down. I can feel it. There is a heavy weight in my chest whenever I think about the massive amounts of work I have to do, the confrontations I need to have. I feel so heavy I can't get out of my chair. I'm scared. I'm so scared and I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to keep going. I don't know if I can pull this off. I don't even know if I have the balls to walk into class tomorrow morning with none of the work done that should be. I'm tired and angry and hurt and scared. Father God help me! My own mother doesn't believe in me! She asked me yesterday how I did on my Doctrine exam. When I told her truthfully that I did okay in some places but not in others, she asked me if that meant she'd be saving the money she would be spending on my room and board next semester. She's been threatening to take me out of school here since summer. I feel like all I am is a drain on her precious resources. A damn inconvenience. A waste.

I'm so weak. I'm so broken. I feel like this is the part where God should be stepping in. I've admitted it. I can't do this on my own. I'm helpless. When is he going to step in? There is so much more I could lose, so much further to sink, do I have to go all the way before he'll save me? Do I have to leave this place? Forfeit my education? Lose my friends, my family, my money and my mind? How far is far enough? How broken is broken enough? How much more do I need to suffer before I've learned my lesson? Why am I so stubborn!?

Lord I've never been one for spoken words, so this is my written prayer to you. You are the sovereign king over everything I understand and everything I don't understand. You determine what is and what isn't, who lives and who dies, and the very flow of time itself. You know my thoughts and see my fears. All glory to you, Father, King of Kings and owner of everything that I am, body and soul. I love you, Abba, and I want you to be proud of me. Give me your strength, God, because I need it desperately. I thought I was struggling for so long, but I haven't even put up a fight. I laid down and died the day I thought I could do it without you. Foolish is my name because I've been nothing but foolish since the day I was born, but you call me your child and as your child please save me, Father, from myself. Grant me focus, determination, a bold spirit and a patient heart so that I can do what I am here to do and bring you glory in the process. Thank you for your love, God, and how you pursue me when I won't listen. I beg you to continue and to give me your help. Bless me, Father, and forgive my laziness and cowardice. Amen.