I am constantly fascinated by how fragile my body is. Just looking at the backs of my hands, at the tiny bones and thick, purple veins that roll beneath my skin, I wonder at the tiny forces necessary to open me and let the blood out in waves or to fracture the bones, crunching them to powder. It's morbid, I know, and I'm not overly fond of the idea that I might be showing signs of mental instability, but still these thoughts are beginning to occupy more and more of my daydreams. Death, sacrifice, heroism. Taking a bullet for a pretty girl and watching from a third person point of view as my life hemorrhages out of me, covering her dress as she holds me close for my dying breath. Disgusting, right? I know.

I have no intention of dying any time soon. Not by my own hand. Forces out of my control are just that, but as far as what I can control I certainly expect to live quite a while longer. And yet this unhealthy obsession with messianic heroism persists. Is this a need to be more like Christ? Unlikely. I'm more inclined to believe I'm just being a diva, as usual. Besides, any sacrifice of mine, assuming it's perfectly executed, could only give a certain number of people their lives. Christ gave them their souls. To compare the two would be like offering a used tampon in exchange for robes spun from gold.

How strange, this antithesis inside me. So willing to admit my self-righteousness and sacrifices are as nothing compared to the God I worship and yet I continue to dream, to crave fame I don't deserve. I'm like an addict in rehab sneaking a fix between repentant sessions of counseling. Sort of. It's a weak metaphor. Still, I'm sure it's enough to be understood.

So where do I go from here? I try to stop, but continue to return to these same fantasies of death and blood and glory. I'm morbid and foul. Wherein lies my cure? I am forgiven, certainly, but the point is now to grow and change within the covenant, becoming more like Christ. These perverted desires have no place in the new me. They've simply got to go. There is nothing noble about them as long as they serve to further my reputation instead of Christ's.